You can lead a horse to water.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink…

 The age-old quote by John Heywood is an analogy that even if you give someone an opportunity to do something, you cannot make them do it. This saying has resonated with me recently through my learning of effective communication and conflict resolution. I’ve witnessed solutions sitting in front of people and had them reject or ignore the notion of solving their problems. I’ve led and watched people come across solutions and had them not take them.

Some people hold onto their problem like it is part of their identity, despite the barriers it gives them. Naturally, the first question that may pop into your head is, “Why?” The problem with asking ‘why’ is that it works from the assumption that they want to solve it. It assumes that they want to rid themselves of the problem, and that is simply not always the case.

If we relate it to the analogy by Mr. Heywood, it would be like assuming the horse is thirsty. As humans, we naturally look at a simple problem as having a simple solution. Perhaps the horse showed symptoms or signs of thirst, so bringing it to the water was the solution. But the horse doesn’t drink, and you can’t make it.

It has been my experience that asking a question that could hold SO MANY answers (like ‘why?’) becomes overwhelming with emotions and paralyzes them in response. So, what can we do?

ASK SIMPLER QUESTIONS.

“Do you want to drink the water?” or even work off your assumption by asking, “Are you thirsty?”

By asking those questions, we have zoomed out of the immediate problem and can get answers that will give direction to a solution and help identify the problem. There is a process to resolving conflict; when you find yourself at a standstill, zoom out and ask yourself the essential questions.

“What is the problem I’m trying to fix?”. If you’ve thought of potential solutions and haven’t tried them, ask yourself if you want to solve the problem. This process holds true when trying to solve problems with others too.

Most importantly, don’t try and solve problems by working off your assumptions. You will exhaust yourself by finding solutions to something not identified as a problem. And that could prove to be as frustrating as trying to get a horse to drink.