Ask the Important Questions
When we find ourselves in a conflict, we allow our emotions to be the driving force in solving them. The issue is that our emotions can be so reactive that they can create a tumultuous experience.
The negative emotions felt during conflict can distract and prevent us from finding a solution. Frustration can confuse how to move forward. Anger can make people defensive, and once someone is defensive, their focus will be on defending themselves and not on solving the problem.
It can be challenging to navigate through a conflict and not let your emotions take control. It requires a lot of focus, self-direction, and patience. This is why conflict coaching can be so helpful. Having someone ask you the tough questions and process the answers with you is basically like someone holding your hand through it.
All conflicts demand that the question “Why is this a problem for you?” gets asked. Sometimes the answer may seem obvious; ask it anyway. Ask yourself that question when you feel conflict, and ask others when they bring a conflict to you. By asking that question, we can identify the problem and resolve it. It is important to note that the answer CANNOT involve someone else’s behaviors or someone else. We cannot fix other people, so we must examine why that person or their behaviors are problematic.
EXAMPLES: It’s a problem because they’re a jerk!
Whether the person is or isn’t a jerk- it’s not going to be something we can change. We have no control over others’ behaviors. When we focus the problem on someone else’s behaviors, we take the focus off of ourselves. It is essential to keep the focus on ourselves because only we know what a solution looks like for us, and only we know what we’re willing to do to resolve the conflict. The answer to ‘Why is this a problem for you?’ must be about YOU. It can be hard to give an answer that keeps it about you, and what I’ve found helpful is asking more questions to find out what the issue really is.
“So, when they’re a jerk, it makes you mad, and that’s the problem?”
Again, it may seem obvious because no one likes to be treated poorly, but it must be asked to know what direction to go. If the answer is “yes,” we return to the first question and insert our new information.
WHY IS BEING MAD A PROBLEM FOR YOU? The goal is to define the problem, and it’s never really our problem if someone else is a jerk. Someone else being a jerk could be problematic, but it’s not JUST because they are jerks. Again, that is not something we can fix. How someone else being a jerk could be our problem is through their behaviors affecting our abilities. Maybe when the person is a jerk, it makes it difficult to do our job or talk with them.
Be patient with yourself and the other person. It is hard work to ask the questions and resolve conflict. When we can define and express to someone exactly what the problem is, it becomes easier to fix and move forward. Keep doing the hard work, and contact me if it gets too tough.
Always happy to hear your thoughts, problems, and examples.
Click HERE to send me a message.
