“I’m Sorry”
Apologies are an important part of conflict resolution. But why do we use them? How do they affect the situation? And how can we use them more effectively? In this post, I will discuss the details of apologies based on my personal experiences and information gathered from learning, observation, and teaching. As a lifelong communicator, I believe that understanding the art of apologizing is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
I am the oldest of three girls, a my sisters are only 1 and 2 years younger than me. There were plenty of arguments in our house. Growing up with them taught me about apologies and how they play a fundamental role in our relationships. As children, we develop our own understanding and power of an apology. As we grow older, we come to realize that apologies and "I'm sorry" carry different weights in times of relationship vulnerability and the way we receive apologies from others can influence our impression of them.
Apologies have a significant impact on communications. However, sometimes they get said unnecessarily, inappropriately, or sarcastically. Without considering their impact, apologies can fall short of their full potential. For instance, when you clarify what you're apologizing for, there will be no questions on why you are sorry. If there is a blank in your story, it will be filled with something that may be inaccurate. Saying "I'm sorry" alone is not enough, as someone's interpretation of your apology may differ from your intention. Therefore, we must leave no blanks in our communications, especially our apologies.
When we apologize, we can incorporate the reason why we are apologizing into the apology itself. This can make it one of the most effective and simplest ways to express comfort and empathy. However, the reason for the apology may not always be the same as the reason we need to give one. For instance, sometimes we apologize because we have misrepresented ourselves in some way, such as saying something that we didn't mean. In other cases, we apologize to show compassion, such as when we say "I'm sorry for your loss."
When someone apologizes to us, we tend to feel comforted by the acknowledgment of our pain from another human being. However, when the person apologizing is the one who caused the pain, we may struggle with believing them. If we choose to believe that their apology is insincere, we subconsciously refuse any empathy in their words. Even when someone has done us wrong and apologizes, the conflict is not instantly healed. It's more like a band-aid effect that allows the conflict to be covered and protected from further infection, but the wound will still be there. Accepting someone's apology is like accepting the band-aid. We still hold the wound, but we want the healing. Unfortunately, sometimes people are so consumed with their wounds that they are unable to absorb the healing and comfort apologies can provide.
When we apologize, how can we ensure that our apology holds genuine meaning? It is important to follow up with a solution that might help alleviate the situation, even if we are the ones who caused it. For example, if we were talking loudly on our phones and disturbing others, we can say "I'm sorry for talking loudly on my phone, I didn't realize it was bothering others. I will make sure to be quieter next time."
1. Start by stating the reason for your apology, for example, "I'm sorry for" followed by the specific reason.
2. Explain why you feel the need to express your apology. If it's due to misrepresentation, you could say, "I didn't mean to misrepresent myself." If it's due to empathy, you could say "That must have been difficult for you. I want to be there for you and support you."
3. Offer a solution to the problem or a way to make things better. If you know the person well, you could suggest something specific. For instance, "I'm sorry you didn't get the job. Let's get sushi and take your mind off things."
Put those three critical needs in your apologies to make it the most impactful. It's also important to remember that forgiveness and apologies are both complex but essential in life and relationships. Rather than making apologies solely an admittance of guilt, it's more helpful to view them as an acknowledgment of any pain and recognition of our role in it. Understanding the importance and the impact of apologies makes difficult things within communications easier.
Always happy to hear your thoughts, problems, and examples.
Click here to send me a message.
