Co-Parenting Insights #1
Co-parenting relationships, like any other relationships, experience their fair share of ups and downs. The foundation of co-parenting relationships is fragile, and any traumas experienced in the intimate relationship can manifest themselves as you embark on this journey.
Reflecting on your intentions and clarifying the other parent's intentions is essential to establishing a solid co-parenting relationship grounded in shared goals. Doing so creates a supportive and cooperative environment that benefits everyone involved. The clarity of intentions helps form respect and cultivate understanding.
I often hear complaints from one parent about the actions and behavior of the other parent. While some complaints relate to parenting, most concern the other parent's behavior or qualities. The complaining parent usually believes that if the other parent changed their behavior or qualities, their life would simply be easier, and they would have a better relationship co-parenting and with their child.
“All of this could/would be different if they would just…..”
The focus isn’t on solving a problem; it’s more about blaming someone for the problem. Co-parenting becomes increasingly difficult if the focus is not on the children and forward-thinking. That’s not to say the other parent's behaviors aren’t legitimately problematic. However, the goal should be to find a solution to the problem, not responsibility for its existence.
Consider the following scenario: One parent consistently fails to arrive on time for child exchanges. The parent who is punctual may find themselves repeatedly arriving late for work and may attribute that to the tardiness of the other parent. Understandably, the on-time parent may experience feelings of animosity and resentment towards the other parent, maybe even feel disrespected. Those negative feelings may appear in communications with the late parent, hindering forward-thinking relations and resolving the problem.
So how can the on-time parent find a solution and be forward-thinking? The first step is to identify the actual problem. It's important to note that the problem shouldn't be about other people's behavior since we can't control it. For instance, if another co-parent shows up late, it's not the on-time parent's problem. However, it could become problematic if someone's lateness affects the on-time parent's employment.
There can be multiple solutions to a problem, and when it comes to co-parenting, the presentation of the problem sets the platform for discussion. Creating a safe and comfortable environment where both parents can share their thoughts and ideas without pointing fingers or blaming anyone is essential. This will allow both parties to work together and develop the best possible solutions to the problem. Effective communication is vital in every co-parenting situation.
Ineffective communication: “You constantly show up late for exchanges, making me late to work! You do this on purpose in hopes I lose my job!” This places blame, assumptions, and accusations. It will likely give a defensive response, delaying productive communication about the conflict.
Effective communication: “The exchange time doesn’t work for me. I keep ending up at work late. I’m worried my boss is going to get upset. Can we move the exchange time up an hour?” This discloses the problem without placing blame and offers suggestions for resolution.
Co-parenting is not an easy journey. It's vital to remember that change can be difficult and emotional, so it's important to be patient and kind to yourself and others. Even if everyone is processing and adapting to the new reality at a different pace, keep the children's well-being and a forward-thinking attitude at the forefront of your communications. Remember, wanting a better relationship is already a significant step towards successful co-parenting.
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