De-escalation demands detachment
You’re at a friendly gathering talking politics (or some other sensitive topic) when you and/or your friend’s tone of voice have changed. The soft and kind tone delivering information and expressing thoughts with the intent to grow and expand has changed to a stern voice as if to condemn or change.
The words exchanged become more assertive with a hint of defensiveness. One or both of your body languages has changed. The slight angle you were previously at has become more squared. Leaving one or both of you almost directly facing the other. Facial expressions are no longer relaying an openness to think or process a differing view. Fewer smiles are exchanged, and the ones that are given have a condescending vibe.
Hand gestures are going outward or upward when talking as if to move the direction of the words. Pushing them outward towards the person, wanting them to be absorbed or acknowledged, or motioning them upward because they seem to be too high for the person to grasp. What started as an exciting, friendly, and informative conversation has become a communication conflict.
There are infinite ways it could go from here, and we all would have our own stories of what happened next, but the how and when it went wrong would all be similar if broken down. So where was the first sign of a problem? Some may say talking about politics, sensitive subjects, or dissenting views. However, we cannot control what other people say to us and can only control how we respond. If we have found ourselves in this situation, it was simply because we had chosen to engage.
Discussions change to conflict when we feel like we have been devalued or when we choose to devalue someone. The conversation started with a level of trust and respect with the intention to provoke thoughts and promote growth. Assumingly, no bad intentions were set forth, and it began with an open mind to hear and value the other person’s opinion. A degree of trust was issued that they would do the same.
So, when it feels like someone has devalued us or when someone feels like we have devalued them – it becomes a conflict. I say “feels” because that may not be our or their intention. Intentions are of the utmost importance in communication, and you can read more about that in this blog.
When we devalue someone, we dismiss their opinion to prove our right or our truth as being superior to theirs. Devaluing someone changes the intentions and structure of the conversation. It can turn a conversation into a conflict.
Unfortunately, unless you constantly think about your responses and feelings (which can prevent active listening and cause conflict), you will be unable to recognize the telltale signs of the conversation changing to a conflict.
People who can detach themselves for a moment to outwardly observe the interaction can conclude the direction of the conversation. Metaphorically ‘stepping away’ to check in on temperament, demeanor, and thoughts allows you to deescalate things if needed.
By checking in with yourself, you can ensure you are relaying communicative behaviors that show value to the other. And by observing their behaviors, you can decide whether you want to exit the conversation or take it in a different direction. Gently remind yourself or the other person of the values and intent of the conversation you agreed to engage in. The one of trust and discussion to understand and stimulate cultural growth.
You can re-adjust your body language and see if it influences theirs to a more relaxed position. You can repeat an aggressive or devaluing statement by rephrasing it to a softer tone. When you do this in conversation, it is an attempt to set a different tone.
“I think anyone who believes that is as dumb as a doornail.”
“It’s difficult to understand why someone would believe that”
Naturally, this becomes harder to do if we feel like the other person is devaluing us. And maybe they are, but if your goal is not to be entrenched in conflict, you must detach to de-escalate.
Detach yourself briefly from the discussion to look for those signs and symptoms in yourself or the other person. This will prove extraordinarily helpful in ensuring the conversation stays authentic to how it began. In my opinion, the awkwardness of having to leave a conversation to check in with yourself mentally is less awkward than engaging in a not-friendly conversation at a friendly gathering. Only you can choose your awkwardness.
Each person has various responses to various conflicts. But the structure of conflicts remains the same. Conflict is a process; if people can understand the process, they can better control the outcome and their responses throughout it.
Always happy to hear your thoughts, problems, or examples.
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