Motivations mean everything.
You know those moments when you’ve said something you shouldn’t have? Or have you reacted to something instead of responding? We’ve all been there. We don’t always recognize how important those moments can be in communication. They may leave us feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or frustrated for misrepresenting ourselves, but we undervalue how much they can teach us about our communication ability.
As a mom of two dedicated athletic boys, my house is noisy and moving. The constant background sounds of bouncing balls, toy swinging, and running thuds are like white noise around here. Sometimes it’s just too much. I’ve had moments of reaction where my tone relays the frustration and annoyance with the sounds. And I’ve had the moments of responding to the chaos with communication and understanding. Of course, the latter way results in a much better evening and mood for all of us.
If we didn’t have our emotions get in the way, I suppose we would always communicate in the way that was most productive toward the goal. If my goal is to have the kids happy and the house quieter- I must respond to the noise from the point of understanding. If I understand why they are making the noise, I can deliver my goals from their viewpoint.
I know they make the noise because they are active kids, full of energy, and have the drive to be better athletes. Suppose I keep that in mind while talking about the noise level with them. In that case, my communication comes from understanding their motivations vs. only thinking about how much the noise level is annoying or distracting me delivers only my motivations.
What you think about while talking will determine what you say and how you say it. If in the heat of frustration with the goal being to silence the house, a louder-than-normal “QUIET!” might pop out. If I recognize the frustration is building, before I get to the height of it, a simple “Hey, you boys will have to run outside today, or you can do yoga in here” sets transparent, friendly, and fair terms to solve both our goals. It also gets much better responses.
When our emotions are tied up in a situation, it’s hard to consider the other person’s motivations. It is a constant practice of mindfulness to catch yourself before the height of communication frustration. It has been my experience that even when I’ve reacted with the “QUIET!” it was easily fixed with a follow-up of “I mean, you boys need to go outside now.” A good faith effort and the courage to try again go a long way in communication.
