Advice Giving. Should VS. Could
I am the oldest of three girls. My two younger sisters and I only have a one and two-year age gap. The title of ‘Oldest’ sister gave me the wisdom and experiences I needed to hand out advice daily. Not really, but it did give me the authority too. I would tell them what they ‘should’ do in every situation. Anything from relationships, fashion, cleaning, etc. – let’s be honest, I probably knew exactly how they should live.
Advising them as an adult looks and sounds much different. Through my studies and experiences with communications, I’ve come to understand how using the word “should” when giving advice is counterproductive to providing what anyone seeking advice wants, which is options.
When I would give my sisters advice, I didn’t need to present them with options because I already knew what was best. That’s what I believed, anyway. Now as an adult, I recognize that no matter how similar our problems are- the dynamics or circumstances are always different. Basically, I realized that I’m not qualified to tell them what they SHOULD do with their life because I don’t live their life.
Like snowflakes, no two people, problems, or solutions will be alike. That said, even though we understand what we would do in a situation, it doesn’t mean it is what someone else SHOULD do. However, our experience navigating a similar problem is probably why we’ve been asked to help guide and clarify. Listed below is the process I now take for advice-giving. I challenge you to try it and encourage you to share it.
What could you do?
Brainstorm together through shared experiences what options and resources are available. Asking this question encourages the person to list the options they believe they have. Once you’ve compiled a list, naturally, the next question will be:
What do you want to do?
If the person is still unsure what they want to do, it is time to help clarify. The problem and solution only lay with the person experiencing it, so all questions must be answered by the advice seeker, not the giver.
Why not choose that option?
Applying this question to each option helps clarify their thoughts and feelings. Asking “WHY” gives space for the person to decide and think about things that are right and wrong with the option.
By following the above-listed process and asking those questions, we help give the other person what they came to us for—guidance, clarity, and options. From there, everyone has the right to decide what they WANT to do. There has never been any denying that people who do what they WANT are happier than those who do what they SHOULD.
